Well, it has been forever since I posted a blog. I'm not super happy about that but I guess it is what it is. Life has been pulling me in a bazillion and one different directions. I think my last post was just before spring break in March and that's when all the craziness hit.
At that point my mother had been in the hospital for approximately three weeks with staph infection and the decision was made to put my grandmother into a nursing home. It was not a good experience to say the least. I have always been very close to my grandmother so seeing her disease (dementia) take her mind away from her has really been hard. But, with my mother in the hospital and no one else able to take care of her 24/7 it was an absolute must.
To make a long story short I spent all of Spring Break (And Thank-You Lord that I had the time off to do it!!) looking for , finding, packing-up, and moving my grandmother into a Care facility that is approximately ten minutes from my house. Thankfully I was not the only one in the decision making process. Eric and my step-sister were there every step of the way doing just as much as I was.
All in all it went very well. My grandmother actually signed herself in, Which was a total God thing and she has been living there for over a month now. It is definitely not without it's difficulties. It is very common for Eric and I to get off work and have no less than 8 messages each from nannie asking us to come get her and take her home.She just doesn't understand that she can't take care of herself. For the most part it is very easy to redirect her requests, we can just ask her about her day or if she played Bingo that week... but here lately she has had some medical issues that are causing her to be very stubborn and argumentative.
But... the bottom line is she is safe. She is well taken care of.. getting everything she needs. She has someone to make sure she is taking her meds... she has someone to make sure she is getting bathed. And as much as it hurts every time she calls and tells me that if I loved her I would go pick her up.... I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is where she needs to be and that I am doing the right thing. God has given me a Peace about it.
So why am I sharing this?? Well... just as I always have strived to do in my blogs... I would like to share with you all that God has taught me in this crazy wild stressful time of life.
PATIENCE!!!!, NOT TO WORRY, COMPLETE AND TOTAL TRUST.... My list could go on and on... Our BSF leader once told us that you have to be actively listening and looking for God's lessons in Life and boy was I. I can honestly say that this was the most stressful point in my life that I can remember. I am normally a very laid back person... as far as stress goes... with God's help I can usually take things and let them roll of my back. I have always pictured myself tying my problems up with a little string and attaching them to a balloon and sending them up for God to take care of. But, during this time I had so much on my plate I didn't really know what to do... other than Pray. I had my mother in the hospital... which meant at least one weekly visit to her usually two or three... my grandmother getting ready to go to the nursing home... and if any of you are familiar with dementia... it can turn your loved ones into a very mean person.. and at that time she was... I was dealing with that.... I had lots of stress at work... a crazy schedule... one musical I finished the week before spring break and I had two within the next month... It really felt like things were just adding and adding and adding.... I needed to be able to take care of things for my mother.... for my grandmother.... take care of things for Eric.... for school.... have a clean house..... get groceries.... feed the dogs....figure out dinner... It just seemed like everything around me was pulling me in a million directions. I couldn't please everyone... I couldn't physically do everything that was expected of me.
Geez... It makes my head hurt just thinking about all of it. For the first time in my life I think I had a nervous breakdown. I was taking care of some things for nannie when my father called me with more things for me to do... and I just shut down. Without any notice.. I feel like I just lost it. I was mean to my dad.. mean to my mother... mean to my sister... grouchy with Eric.... Oh.. Eric... he's another story... he deserves a metal just for living with me during that time, he was so incredibly patient with me... And for someone that isn't normally mean or doesn't lose it very often... I got a lot of flack for "losing it" or for having a "breakdown" and that caused even more anger.... I remember thinking.. "geez, I'm human too!! I have emotions just like you... You can get stressed, but I can't?? "... I had too many things going on at once... plain and simple... and as wrong as It was I shut down. I stopped what I was doing and had to take some time for me. I did what I felt like I could do and was forced to tell some people that they were going to have to do it themselves. I couldn't do it all. I remember on this particular day I just stopped what I was doing and went and sat down.. I wasn't even capable of thinking things through.. I just remember having a song go through my head...over and over and over... I wasn't even thinking complete thoughts... just singing a song in my head... making rhythms with my teeth... i wasn't really capable of much else at that moment... I remember feeling the emptiness wash over me... I had gotten where God wanted me to be. I was finally moldable....
(Now is where you would see my hanging my head low )....... Am I proud of my actions? No... I knew right away that I had been wrong. I ended up calling everyone I was mean to that day and apologizing within a few hours.....
Looking back I can see all the lessons that God taught me through this rough time.
Throughout it all I was praying... I didn't really feel like my relationship with God wasn't where it was supposed to be... I was relying on him to get me through... He was the only reason I made it that long without losing it. But .. when I did finally have my melt down... it taught me that yes I am relying on God, but I hadn't truly given him complete control of my life. I was letting him have control over what I wanted him to have control over... i was pretty much saying .. "ok God... you can take care of all of this.. but I'm going to go ahead and be in charge of this stuff over here" .... umm... no Jennifer... that's not how it works..... I wasn't truly giving God the keys and letting him drive..
I remember being in middle school and going to Claire's and them having the funny little cards that you would keep in your wallet. I had one that said "Back seat driver" and I feel like that would be appropriate for me to have again. I was trying to take on all of those things that were expected of me. I was telling myself that i was relying on God, but the fact of the matter is... I was trying to do too much of it on my own. Christ puts us through a process of Sanctification.. a process of becoming more like him... and even though I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.. I was praying... I was relying on him... I was doing what I thought was right.... God amped it up a little... he said ok Jennifer.. you think you are where you need to be... think again sweetheart... here is your little situation.. lets see you get through this the way you are... I can picture him holding his arms out to me saying "choose me...pick me... I am the one that is going to get you through this... I know it is going to be rough.. but this is going to make you closer to me in the end... it will all be ok... I Love you Jennifer... You are my daughter... This is all for you.. " It really makes me want to cry just typing it.
Fast forward a month.. and here I am.. I have been trying to write a blog about this for weeks... and as soon as I give up and decide to write about something else.. here it is.. It just morphed into an account of the last month. I don't know if any of this really makes any sense or not. I really feel like I am rambling ... but hopefully it does.
I feel like I have come out of this whole ordeal a better person... It has definitely made me aware that I am trying to take control of my life myself.. and that even though I think I am where I am supposed to be.. there is always room to grow... always a way to get closer to God..
Always a way to be more like Christ.... Always a way to be better... Never a reason to settle......
